Old Revisited

Same Horse, but now the boy has become a man. Years ago a very dear person came into our life and allowed my boy to have the experience of a life time with her horse. That horse's name is River. For years, my boy worked with this horse, got to ride the horse, worked in the barns and learned many things. Then, River had to move to Chicago but he has never been forgotten. Today....River is here in Ann Arbor and ............... the young man who was once a boy, was reunited with River. Gives me chills to see.   When I get home today I'm going to dig and see if I can find one of the first pictures of my boy with River.  The comparison will be interesting!

2008

2013

Check In

Almost a year has gone by and I think it is fair to say (more than fair) that I’m not great at keeping up on this blogging thing. I have good intentions when I post, but they sure don’t last long. Well they do, I just don’t do anything about them. This year, like I last posted was a year of adjustments. I’m finding that the first time I’ve lived alone is a-ok!! When I return home at the end of the day ~ amazingly ~ my house looks exactly the same as when I left. If I leave a dish in the sink, it is still there and has not multiplied. If I leave the sink clean, it’s still clean. When I decide on GrapeNuts for dinner, I am happy with that choice and don’t get any ‘ho hum’ about it because, “that’s not dinner.” And the laundry basket doesn’t fill exponentially overnight. I’d say, Life Is Good! The neighbor teased me when I was raking leaves that he’d be I wished the kid still lived with me. I told him, “Nope. I didn’t have to nag anyone for 3 days to get out here to get the work done and when it’s a half assed job, I know it was me.” I’m okay with my own half done job, for some reason I wasn’t when either the boy or ex use to do a half assed job?! Go figure. Don’t get me wrong, I do miss having the boy at home. The beginning was the worst. But I’ve adjusted and there are some positives. And negatives…………he did make me laugh and we did some cool things together. He would grill for us and cooking for one sometimes isn’t easy (like making chili – for 1?!). The boy and I have a new relationship – which has also been interesting to see unfold. And it’s good! Life at work is fine. I’ve graduated another class – a group of 5 terrific young men. All will be missed. Graduation really reminded me how lucky I am to work in a place where building relationships matters. And now that school is out, I not only miss the kids and parents, but also the teaching staff. Again, I’m lucky to work with such wonderful, talented, dedicated people. (not that every day is pie in the sky good – this is real life) Not sure what is on the horizon, but I think the 2nd half of 2013 is going to hold some changes. Things have been smooth, which is always a warning. Things have been stable. And, I’ve gotten the notion that I need to make some improvements. So………………check back in a year (ha ha) and find out what happens. I am going to try to post more often – but I know I say that almost every time I post. We’ll see……………….

Life after 17

Based on my last post, I was holding my breath waiting to see what would happen the day after my son turned 17. Well......on the day he turned 17 he moved out. It was pretty clear that it would happen, but not without some drama. It was emotional and it is likely a day the both of us will remember! Tears, truths, emotions and heart break. I told him when he stepped off the stoop life would change forever, that he should start flapping his wings, and that I knew he could do it. I told him that I had done a good job teaching him and he had learned well. And that I wanted him to make me proud - which I am sure he will do. We both cried, hugged and then he indeed did step off that stoop, walked down the path and never looked back. It's been a week and many emotions have pulsed through me. I have cried some more, gotten angry and moved forward. The day he left I couldn't even go to his room - but now 7 days later his room looks totally different. I have spent countless hours cleaning and changing things around. I'm not done but eventually I will have a dressing room, the big bathroom and a nice exercise room. I'm excited! I have cleaned mold off the floor, scrubbed a disgusting shower, thrown things out, moved things left behind and repeatedly, repeatedly, repeatedly vacuumed up the dog hair (which I think I will never be rid of). My hands are sore and parts of my body ache - but I am pleased. I still have work to do, but I can see the light. Each night I will continue to work. I'm content with the distraction and progress. My new life is going to be amazing, when I get there. For now....it's one day at a time. The child has been in touch daily, via text and we are going to see each other tomorrow. I have given him his space and only answer when he texts me. This will change, but I feel it is important he has his space AND find that there are ramifications to your choices. He will be fine, this I know. I will be fine, this I know. Trust is the key. Staying strong will be important. And just letting things unfold how they are suppose to happen is how it's suppose to be. I need to breathe and............live!

Changes Are Always Happening

Well the last time I posted I seemed to be worried about the end of high school for my son, probably looking forward to the summer months when it's a little quieter here at Clonlara too (where my son graduated and I work). I was a silly girl!!!! Graduation came and went, and in fact my son did graduate - but he refused to participate in graduation. I had two requests at the beginning of his senior year - again silly me, I thought with all the blood, sweat and tears that have gone into educating this boy I had the right to ask for; 1) senior pictures and 2) that he walk at graduation.

I guess I should have guessed when early in the school year he refused senior pictures and I had to steal one (caught him by surprise and snapped a good one), that when it came time to walk across the stage, he wouldn't be there. Exactly what happened - although thankfully I knew ahead of time so it wasn't a surprise. The week of graduation was full. On Monday he got his driver's license, on Wednesday his dad gave him a car for graduation, on Saturday it was graduation (like I said, he didn't attend) and on Sunday he wrapped his car around a tree. No worries, he was not hurt but the car was totaled. Talk about a week from _____. Since that week, this child had bought a used truck - then found out 5 days later the transmission was bad and sold it for junk. Paid to have the clutch fixed on his Jeep, and after 50 miles found out it was in fact not fixed - and now has that vehicle for sale. He had planned to work 3 jobs and do maintenance tanks this summer - he's now only working one job and doing tanks. And amazingly enough.....I still can't get him to take out the trash once a week. Yes, we have gone through all the excuses - he's only 16, he is young, he just finished school and needed a break, yada, yada, yada. His plan now..........moving in with his girlfriend the day after he turns 17. Thank you Michigan law, there isn't a thing I can do about that either. So.....I hold my breath. Thankfully I have some amazing friends and family members who are supporting me, letting me vent when needed, and holding my hand along the way. My mantra is "I've done a good job." He will be fine and it's time for him to learn on his own, I guess (at least that is what everyone is telling me). Things have changed so much and I have finally 'let go' of what I thought it was 'suppose to be like.' Most of the time I am at peace and try not to think about what is to come. As for me..........since life no longer revolves around that child........there will be changes there too. Professionally and personally I'm trying to figure out the next steps. I'm going to be alone for the first time in my life (living wise and responsibilities to others wise) and I want to be happy. But what does that mean???? I think that is a perfect subject for another post :-)

Next is Graduation

Daily I get a reminder in the morning on the way to work how many days it is until graduation. Like I don't know - I'm the principal!! I have a unqiue situation because I ride to work daily with my son, who is a student at the school where I am the principal. And yes, he is a senior suffering from senioritis. Most days I indulge him and just listen to his count down. Some days I do have to smile though - doesn't he realize he is not the only one counting?! Doesn't he realize what it is going to mean to see him walk across that stage and get his dipolma to those around him? His educational path has not been easy, on any of us. We are lucky, he is bright and talented. He is gifted and gifted with learning differences. He is also cocky and stubborn and has never went around the block the short way. School has been no different. So...we are going to celebrate in 38 days! We are going to celebrate many things. And then.....we are going to hold our breath and see what happens next!

Again, Where Does the Time Go???

Seems just a few weeks ago I was posting about solitude, my students were off for the summer adventures and I will likely in the quiet office. Well.....the entire summer has passed, my students and staff are all back inside these walls, and I have no idea where the time has gone?!I was actually going through some of my old blog posts looking for pictures of the library project that B did when we were homeschooling. Now I want to go back to homeschooling!! We did some fun things!!!!!! Many of the pictures with him in them made me smile - such a cute boy. And now.....a young man. Let me give you a little update on my favorite home school student (and one of my favorites in the building). B is a senior - yes a senior. Expected graduation is June 9th. He is currently 16, 6'3" tall and charming as they come - until he opens his mouth. Like most teenagers, he's got a little bit of an attitude. He is 1/3 of the way through drivers ed and bought his own car about 2 months ago. I call it a piece of junk painted red, but he loves her. She's a 1959 Jeep Willys with a 1966 327 corvette engine. When she came home she dripped oil, which has been fixed and I bought B a new front end for his 16th birthday. It is now sitting covered up because the child's line of credit is at the limit and now his baby needs clutch work. Ahhh, the joys of a valuable lesson.

Ain't she pretty?!

Boy will probably get in trouble with this!

Happy Kid!

Learned to drive it on the first day, AND how to push it when there is a bad battery connection and you can't get it started.












So where does the time go???? It goes to having a job, which I frankly still haven't adjusted to and if I worked a 'normal work week' might be a little easier but that is not the job that I have. It goes to finishing raising this boy that lives with me. It goes to laughing, and rushing, and grocery shopping and learning new things. It goes to thinking up new ideas and sometimes just getting through the day because I am dead, butt draggin' tired. I'm grateful that I have a job that I love, a kid that keeps me on my toes and many, many good people in my life. Do I sometimes wish I could slow it down, wish for solitude and some peace - oh yeah!! But I don't even know what that would look like or feel like. Today....which is a Sunday and I'm at work, I'm just glad I can keep doing what I do. Life changes, and so far I've been able to handle changing with it.

Solitude vs. Loneliness

Recently I have had the opportunity to be alone and think – my thoughts wandered to the difference between solitude and loneliness. They are defined as:

Solitude is a state of seclusion or isolation, i.e., lack of contact with people. Short-term solitude is often valued as a time when one may work, think or rest without being disturbed. It may be desired.

sol•i•tude - noun
1. the state of being or living alone; seclusion: to enjoy one's solitude.
2. remoteness from habitations, as of a place; absence of human activity: the solitude of the mountains.

Loneliness is an unpleasant feeling in which a person experiences a strong sense of emptiness. Loneliness has also been described as social pain - a psychological mechanism meant to alert an individual of undesired isolation and motivate her/him to seek social connections.

loneliness – derived from
lone•ly – adjective, -lier, -liest
1. affected with, characterized by, or causing a depressing feeling of being alone; lonesome.
2. destitute of sympathetic or friendly companionship, support, etc.: a lonely exile.

I believe there is a true, and sometimes deeply felt, distinction between solitude and loneliness. For me, solitude is positive. People seek solitude, I seek solitude. My road has changed. For years I was with someone – and now that is gone. For 16 years I have had my child with me almost every day of his life – and sometimes, many times 24 hours of every day we were together. But now he seeks his independence more and more. My boy was gone for 9 days – the longest he has ever been away from me. And I was alone for much of that time. I am okay being alone and on my own.

I have experienced both loneliness and solitude in my life. Several years ago I had a discussion with a friend about the difference, about what it is like to still be alone (or lonely) even when you are with someone or other people. This is the worst kind of loneliness – to be with other people and still feel complete alone and lonely. What is that?! Years and years ago I would have much rather been with someone than to be alone. I filled my time and space with others – not matter the impact. But now, I can be alone and I fit into the comfort of solitude (admittedly at times I’d prefer to be alone – but that is a tolerance issue, and for another post). I have changed and seen the error in my ways.

More changes are to come. My boy will leave soon and make his own way. I’m certain I will miss him, but there will be times when I will be glad for the quiet house, for the solitude that will welcome me when I come home from the craziness of life. I welcome solitude, embrace solitude. What I am afraid of is – will I know when solitude boarders on loneliness? Will I catch those feelings in time, or will it be too late. And when I no longer want to be alone – will I make the same mistakes I have made in the past??? Only time will tell………….